Your Free Google Brand Gift.

‘Hi, I’m part of the Google Brand Cloud Platform (GCP) team. You were invited to participate in an exclusive program with GCP.’

‘We recently sent you a package via FedEx with a free B2B gift and wanted to make sure you didn’t miss it. We would like to facilitate a meeting to better understand your company’s cloud initiatives. If you’re available in the next couple weeks, I’ll send you a Chromebook so you can hop on a Hangout with a Google Cloud Specialist. When would be a good time to schedule a Hangout meeting with you?’ – The Google Brand

“Oh my god. What’s that massive FedEx package on my desk?”

“We don’t know Sir. It arrived yesterday. It looked big and important so we thought we’d better leave it for you.”

“Right. I’m going to need three of you to help me open this. There’s enough packaging here to keep a London recycling facility busy for a month.”

[SFX: Rustling. Ripping. Tearing. Panting.] ———-

“What? That’s it? An iPad cover? All that packaging and all that’s in here is a cheap knockoff iPad cover? WTF…?”

“Hang on Sir, there’s a letter with it…”

“Let me see. ‘Dear Scot, blah blah, B2B marketing, blah blah, thought leadership, blah, Google Brand Cloud Platform blah, free B2B gift, Chromebook, etc.”

“What’s the deal Sir?”

“Right, so as a company director I’ve been specially selected to receive a free B2B gift of a Chromebook from Google. This shitty iPad cover is actually a shitty Chromebook cover – look, it has a Google brand logo on it, see what they did there?”

“So, where’s the Chromebook? Did we miss it in all that packaging?”

“No. Here’s the ‘clever’ bit… I don’t receive the free B2B gift of a Chromebook until I agree to a sales ambush. I have to have a Google ‘Hangout’ using the free Chromebook they’re going to send me. (Whatever a Hangout is…)”

“Cool! Do we need a Google Cloud Platform Sir?”


“Oh. Why not?”

“We’ve got one. They’re using the wrong database, the wrong profile and segmenting like we used to back in the 1980s so they’ve ended up with me.”

“Oh but Sir, you don’t look old enough to be segmenting in the 1980s…”

“Shut up Baldrick.”

“Yes Sir. So, can’t you just say yes to the ‘Hangout’ (whatever that is…) and take the free B2B gift – you know, tell them later that we’re not the right target company for their brand positioning?”

“Yes. But that would be pretty much stealing.”

“I bet everyone else is doing that.”

“No doubt. But I am not, and have never been, ‘everyone else’. Not even in the 1980s.”

“Oh. What should we do then Sir?”

“Nothing. This is not a ‘do something’ item on your to-do list. It’s a shitty iPad cover, in excessive packaging, poorly targeted, without permission and badly executed. It’s of no interest, no value and no relevance to our B2B marketing strategy whatsoever. Do nothing. Tidy up the mess and forget about it.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Sir, you have an email from Google asking if you received their executive package and would you like to arrange a ‘Hangout’ (whatever that is…)?”

“Delete it.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Sir, you have another email from Google asking if you received their executive package and would you like to arrange a ‘Hangout’ (whatever that still is…)?”

“Delete it. Still.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Sir, you have an email from Google asking if you received their executive package with the free B2B gift, and would you like to arrange a ‘Hangout’ (whatever that is…)?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Reply to the email and say, no. Fucking no. Not now, not fucking ever. Their mailing campaign’s shit and we’re not fucking interested.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Sir, you’ve had four very insistent phone calls from Google who would like to have a ‘Hangout’ with you (whatever that is..) and talk to you about the Google Cloud Platform.”

[Sigh] “Tell them to shove their Platform, and their shitty database, and their cheap iPad cover, right up their ass.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Sir, there’s a lady on the phone from Google. She’s, she’s… ‘American’.”


“She’d like to arrange a ‘Hangout’ with you (whatever that is…) and asked if you’d received the special executive cheap free B2B gift.”

“I thought you told them to stick their shitty database up… never mind, put her through.”

“Yes Sir!”

“Hello Mr. McKee, I just needed to make sure you received our special executive Chromebook gift?”

“Oh, I see, this call is about what you need.”

“Excuse me…?”

“Never mind. Yes, I received the iPad cover.”

“You mean the Chromebook cover?”

“Sure, we can go with that, if that’s what you ‘need’.”

“Ok, good [nervous laughter] – we can proceed.”

“Great. We’re proceeding. Great. Will we be proceeding to a ‘Hangout’ (whatever that is…)?”

“Yes! Yes! YES! Yes, we will be proceeding to a Hangout. I’m going to send you an executive Chromebook to slip, silkily and sensually, into your executive Chromebook cover, and you can then connect directly with the Google Cloud Platform team. They’ll tell you how AWESOME your life will be once you have become a Google Cloud Platform monkey. Isn’t that AMAZING…? Let’s do it. Let’s do it now. Let’s do it everywhere. Come on, let’s DO IT…”

“Eh, no thanks. I’m not interested in your brand marketing. I’ve ignored your emails. All of them. I’ve ignored your calls. All of them. That was meant to be a signal. Not explicit I grant you, but that’s because I’m busy, you know, doing work that actually matters to me, as opposed to you. So, sorry if I wasn’t explicit enough.”

“Oh. Eh… I’m not sure I understand.”

“No, I’m starting to realise that. Let me see if I can help… I don’t care about your iPad cover, or the many trees felled in order to send it to me. I don’t care about the Chromebook. I’ve got an iPad. With a decent cover. I don’t need the Google Cloud Platform. I’m the wrong guy. You’ve got a shitty database. Again. It’s no big deal, just save yourself some money. I don’t want whatever you’re selling me. Take me off the list. Focus on the people who matter.”

“Great, so when would be a good time to schedule a Google Hangout…?”

“Oh FFS, never. Not ever. Good bye.” [SFX – dial tone]

[3 Days Later…]

‘Hi Scot, thanks again for your interest in Google Cloud Platform. I’m reaching out regarding a conversation you had with one of my colleagues where you mentioned that now might be a good time for you to reconsider Google Cloud Platform. Can we find a time over the next few weeks that works best for us to connect? Let me know what your availability looks like and we can coordinate. Looking forward to chatting!’ – Google


“Sir, yes Sir?”

“How do I make this stop?”

“Just say ‘yes’ to the free Chromebook Sir.”

“Ok do it.”

“And the ‘Hangout’ (whatever that is…)?”

“Sure, and the ‘Hangout’ (whatever that is…).”

“Will you actually be on the call Sir?”

“Don’t be stupid Baldrick, you can talk to them, just pretend to be me.”

“Oh thank you Sir! Don’t you just love the Google brand?”

“No. I used to. But now I don’t.”



Scot McKee